Bleeding From My Soul

Let the Journey Begin…

 

Time to start writing. Today is the day.

I’m not sure where to start or what exactly I want to say in my debut blog….as per usual, I’m just going to let the thoughts and words flow.  No edit.   No filter.

The only thing I’m absolutely certain of is WHY I want to write for others to read. (Because make no mistake, THIS is scary as shit….to share with others, with total STRANGERS the under belly of my life! Yikes!)  My purpose is to expose the truth…the truth that none of us have it all together.  The truth that we ALL have our junk and secrets that we hope no one ever finds out.  The truth that life is hard….marriage is hard….parenting is hard…..and being your authentic self is the hardest thing of all!    I want to share my life so that others might not feel so alone.   There’s been way more good than bad….but OH the bad, it’s pretty damn bad!    I NEVER want to be the person who shares only the good Hallmark moments of my life…making  people believe those are how all my days play out….happy and dare I say it…perfect!   Let’s face it….we’re all lucky if we get a good handful of those perfect moments.   Because the idea of perfect, THAT makes people feel alone….that they must be failing at life because their life doesn’t look like that.  I don’t want to be the reason anyone feels alone….sad….depressed….confused….”less than”.     I’ve been that person….for the majority of my life.   I want the world to know that LIFE is MESSY and CHAOTIC sometimes and filled with mistakes and “oopsy’s” and downright cruel occasionally….for EVERYONE!!     (It’s also beautiful & wondrous…but you HAVE to grasp the messy part to fully feel the joy & appreciate the beautiful moments!)

Here’s the gist of what I want to do…..people like to say that comparison is bad.  I disagree.  Comparison can be a very good thing….when you’re comparing AUTHENTIC stories!!    Because then you get this reaction….facial features and body language relax, you get the heavy sighs (maybe even some tears) and then finally the audible or the mental thought….”yes, me too!”    Me too!!   Me. Too.  There is SO much power and COMFORT in “me too!”   You can actually relax and enjoy life once you realize that NO ONE is knocking it out of the park on a consistent basis….if ever.

I find it kind of telling and amusing that when I finally made the decision to blog a few months ago (as it was requested of me SO often) that I seemed to have this mental block.   I would write wonderful things in my head as I was driving or suffering from insomnia, or cooking, or sitting in the middle of a social event…..but I wouldn’t stop to write it down or type it out.   It’s like an ongoing theme in my life, if I’m supposed to be doing it, I don’t do it….if I’m not supposed to being doing it, I’m all in.   (As I should be working on online classes for my day job right now )    Being rebellious at 50 years old…is getting old.    I have to wonder at a certain point if it’s not so cute or “edgy” anymore….it’s more of a character flaw that I’ve spun into this persona that I’m just quirky.     I’m the master of spin…which mainly means I’m full of shit.   I don’t want to just be bullshit anymore….I have too much REAL & RAW good stuff to give!

I guess life decided to nudge me into “officially” starting to write my first blog today.   For as far as I believe I’ve come (and damn I’ve screwed up A LOT) and as strong as I believe I’ve become…..it hit me like a ton of bricks that I still have SO much pain & hurt.   Pain & hurt that needs to come out so it doesn’t destroy my insides….destroy my brain….destroy MY life.

My life. Hmmmm….what can I say?   By all accounts and statistics, I shouldn’t have made it this far.   I have literally just been “winging it” my entire life and made more bad decisions than any one halfway intelligent person should ever make.    I have suffered from addiction….I’ve known many different vices. (You’ll hear those ugly stories)   I am twice married….and twice divorced.  The second marriage was highly dysfunctional and left more scars, bruises and damage than I even care to admit.    We both dished out our fair share of pain. (More on that later)

Pain.   Love.  Marriage.  Family.    All these words seem synonymous to me.   I don’t say this next sentence to garner pity or sympathy, this is just genuinely how I feel and hold on, there’s a caveat….everyone I have loved has hurt me (except my kids….so far).    But alas, everyone….and I do mean EVERYONE, I have loved and still love, I have hurt.   Some of that hurt is beyond repair….or so it seems right now. (I’m learning that God can change people’s hearts on a dime) I’m sure many of you can relate.    In case you haven’t discovered this yet….we live in a VERY broken world!!    But my hope is that all of us broken pieces come together, lean on each other, learn from each other, LOVE each other….I personally think that’s what God intends.

Here’s the difficult part about writing and trying to explain and describe thoughts that have so many stories and history behind them….where do I start?   How do I make you understand where I’ve been and how I’ve got to this point?  How do I make it cohesive, interesting, and compelling?   Trust me, some of my life stories will leave you speechless….those will be the ones I write with tears streaming down my face.   Tears filled with regret, pain, embarrassment, humiliation, guilt, anger,  hurt, sadness….and RELIEF.       Because you see….even as I write this (and this is not even the juicy stuff yet) the tears are gently falling….it seems my soul recognizes what I’m embarking on….a LONG overdue journey.   A road trip of the heart & mind…to recall and purge things stuffed down for YEARS!    My soul knows that it needs to come out….it’s known it for a long time.   I tried to shut it up and drown it out with all sorts of vices…..shopping, gambling, food, drugs, alcohol, exercise, work, social media, sex…you name it, I pretty much tried it.    Anything to fill that big gaping hole left by hurt and pain.    But the problem with ALL those things (and many others) they left me more empty than before.       And I’m willing to bet big money that pretty much every single one of you can relate to feeling empty and using all the wrong things to fill yourself up!!  (Well, I wouldn’t REALLY bet big money…because I’m a gambling addict….rehab certified baby!  But again…more on that chapter later.)

So, here’s the deal.   I need to write to ease my troubled mind and make friends with some old demons….monsters never look as scary in the light you know.   Monsters lose their power once they realize you’re not afraid anymore.   I’m not afraid anymore.    How I’ve got to this point in my life has had its share of ups and downs…the last two years alone have been filled with struggle after struggle.   Heartbreaking struggles.   But I’m here to tell you that it ALL had purpose!!    I NEED and want to share the stories of my life…..some of it is going to get downright ugly.   Some of you will judge me….that’s okay, I understand.   Some of you will relate and have walked in my shoes…but you’ll stay silent, too afraid to shatter you image.   That’s okay, I understand….and I pray that one day you won’t be afraid.    And lastly, some of you will totally get this….and you’ll embrace being authentic and vulnerable….and you’ll say “Me too!”   And guess what….just like that we have a “me too” club and we’re no longer alone.   We never were alone….we just didn’t know it.    We always had God….but we always had each other too.

Come take my hand and walk with me for a while….I want to share some stories.